Have you ever done anything foolish in your life and had the words ‘shame on you’ echo back? If you’re like me, you’ve probably heard it many times, especially growing up, and like me, you probably deserved to be called out for your wrong actions. Hopefully, this type of chastisement set you on the narrow path to goodness and wholeness. It did me, in some cases, and for that I’m grateful.

     But there is another type of shame. One not based on righteous anger and a call to penance but one focused on condemnation and a desire to wound like a verbal dagger to the heart. This type of shame is not helpful, but hurtful and leaves a scaring imprint on one’s mind and soul.

     Unfortunately, my childhood was also filled with this type of shame castigated upon me daily and whose effects I have been working on to overcome. You see, shame aimed to condemn has both momentary effects and lasting impacts. This type of shame is painful, humiliating and distressing. It not only mocks you in the present for falling short of the mark but tries to define you for a lifetime as a shameful human being not worthy of the good things in life; love, peace, joy ….  You fill in the blank!

     In my case, believing myself as unworthy led me to become a perfectionist, or as I like to say, someone who is constantly working to make things right! Of course, in reality, my desire for being right led me to constantly work to control everything in sight! Needless to say, that form of living did little to bring me love, peace or joy or allow for many close relationships, which is exactly what shame taught and told me I was never worthy to have. 

     It took several decades, but I finally realized I was going nowhere fast. It was time to let go and let God. I came to my senses and realized that only He could heal the shame I carried and restore my true identity. As I’ve mentioned in other blogs, many of the issues I’ve had to deal with as an adult were born in childhood trauma inflicted at a young age.  It was no different with shame and so I needed God to be my loving Father (again) and re-parent me in His Way.

     In my journey back home to the Garden, God’s whispers have always been clear and met me where I’m at. “I love you son. You are and always will be my precious child and I only have good things in store for you. You are worthy. Trust me and let go of your past. Let go of your shame.

     Obviously, these were things I really needed to hear but it was going to take more than hearing these truths to change what years of shame and condemnation had done to my being. It was going to take a deep cleaning of my soul to remove the lies rooted in my heart and replace them with these truths. Sounds worse than going to the dentist, I know, but that was the process of restoration. Yes, I was scared. I did not want to relive my darkest memories even if it meant clearing out my mind. Just the opposite really, I wanted to forget them. Remember that point!

     But God knows how afraid we can be of the darkness and the unknowns that it brings. So, in response He promises to give us treasures in the darkness and riches through the unknowns. 

Armed with this promise I mustered up all the courage I had and took the first step toward restoration. As always, God was very gentle with me in the ensuing years as he prepared my heart to let go of the past and comforted me when this process became difficult. And then came the revelation and affirmation of the hope I had earlier. Condemnation is a thing of the past and that through faith in Him the shame of my youth (your youth) is forgotten.  Yes, it is forgotten. In God’s eyes, never again will it be brought up. Never again will it define who you are. You have been made anew. You have been restored.

    To walk away from the shame of our youth and not have to carry it throughout our lifetime, isn’t that what all of us want? So, I implore you. Take that first step towards newness in life and lay your shame before Him. He will restore you and your shame will be forgotten!

Dario L. Perla