It was 12:49 a.m. the morning of November 28^th, 2017 when it happened.  After reading further some may conclude that all that follows was just my imagination. Something made up to legitimize everything I had gone through in my life. A self-created myth to add meaning to my otherwise meaningless existence. But it wasn’t. It was real. It was true. It began the moment I was awakened by a Divine whisper inviting me to live deep in the Garden. Free from fear. Free from doubt. Just like we were all were originally intended to do before humanity’s Great fall.

     But let me back up a bit, seven years to be exact.  It was 2011 and I would spend the subsequent years journaling my life experiences which culminated in a book I affectionately called “The Bridge”. In that book I recount how my spirit was perfected in 1994 when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, which began my initial journey to enter the Garden to live a life in   harmony with God, others, and myself. “This is it! This is what I have been searching for all my life. Everything is going to be okay now!” But oh boy, was I in for a surprise!  You see, I soon realized that the initial journey to the Garden would only lead to a deeper journey within the Garden in November 2017. So, buckle up and take another journey with me ever deeper into the center of the Garden. I pray it will impact and inspire you on your own redemption and restoration journey.

     At first, life in the Garden seemed, well, amazing. I couldn’t stop talking about it even though no one seemed to understand what I was talking about. I spent the first eighteen months of my new life compiling my experiences so that I could share my story with the world. My hope was to help lead every person who read it on their own personal journey back home to the Garden. After all, my book was a road map of sorts aimed to guide the reader to the Garden, while avoiding common pitfalls along the way. It would only require four things: surrender, obedience, perseverance, and most of all gratitude! Not too much to ask of a soul trapped in the wasteland, right? (WINK)!

     So here we go, my book launch party was set for Tuesday November 5, 2019. This would be the day it goes public, and my life will change forever. I will be a published author who can now speak all over the world about my amazing journey back home to the Garden and the restoration of my soul. I was so excited. I felt like a million dollars. I was going to share with the world what our true purpose is as believers.

     As hard as it was, I finally fell asleep hoping for a good night’s rest because the next day was going to be one of the biggest of my life. Then it began. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. with some of the most horrific, excruciating pain I had ever experienced. From my abdomen to mid-thigh – it felt like it was on fire. I began to sweat profusely then began to hallucinate. So much so that I contemplated calling 911. I do not know how, but I managed to make it through the night and found some relief the next day after taking some antibiotics.

     This was not what I was expecting. I thought my life was about to take off, not crash land on the eve of the book launch, God and I were really tight at this point so this unexplainable illness that seemingly came out of nowhere must be totally undeserved and outside His will.  Right?

THE PURPOSE IN SUFFERING

     Little did I know that the surprise illness I experienced the other night would begin an almost 4-year journey of physical suffering that would mimic the sufferings of Job. I would go on to have several surgeries accompanied with a plethora of anesthesia, as well as procedure after procedure, needle after needle, medication after medication, all in search of a diagnosis and cure that has still to this day never been determined. I’m six foot one and during this time, I had also lost 30 pounds. I went from one-hundred and eighty-five pounds down to a whopping one-hundred and fifty-five pounds and had no appetite whatsoever. As a matter of fact, food became repulsive to me. I dreaded mealtimes and only ate what I could endure to stay alive. But I didn’t really feel alive, I felt like I was walking death. My spirit and my soul would rejoice in the goodness of God, but physically I felt as if I were not going to make it much longer. I often looked in the mirror and uttered the words, “What happened?!!!” I was so perplexed! I remember sitting on the floor many times looking inward and upward for answers to why I was suffering, but none came back. I am not sure what hurt more, the actual physical pain or the silence from God.

     During this time of suffering, I did, however, receive a glimmer of insight from the Holy Spirit. It was January 2021. He revealed to me that my suffering was spiritual and that only God could deliver me from it. It was then that I decided to go to a revival and be baptized for my deliverance and healing, I was that desperate. But also knew that this suffering, if truly spiritual, could only be combated with prayer, fasting and with the help from the body of Christ. I’ll never forget what happened in that baptismal pool that night and my encounter with the pastor.

     After listening to me profess my desperation for healing and relief, he looked me in the eye and said, “Are you ready to receive?” Of course, my answer was “yes!” He then proceeded to dunk me underwater. But as I rose up, I began to cough and choke somewhat. He then looked at me with this stare of a soldier on the front lines of a war and said, “One more time!” I’m thinking, what?! I thought this was a one-time thing. It was then I started to sense I was in a real spiritual battle.  The kind that is fought between God and the principalities of darkness that roam the world looking for someone to devour. So here we go again, dunk number two, and again I rose up out of the water coughing and choking. So, the pastor then looks intently into my eyes with fierce determination and says, “One more time!” Knowing that God works in threes, I kind of expected this. But I also began to understand deep in my soul that it was God fighting on my behalf. So, I went under for the third time and again rose up out of the water. Only this time no coughing and choking. The pastor looked at me with a smile and said, “Now walk in it!!!” At first, I’m like “yeah buddy! I am healed.” But then it hits me. What did he really mean by ‘walk in it?’   

     This is the point, isn’t it, particularly when it comes to suffering, healing, and spirituality.    Sometimes when people are healed it happens in a moment but the healing process itself takes time. Yes, this can be confusing and even discouraging at first but there is a higher purpose in mind. To be fair, if you are like me, you want instantaneous healing and immediate relief from pain and suffering. But again, it doesn’t always work that way with God. His healing can sometimes be instant, but other times it will be a long, slow process, which I feel is more the norm than the exception. I have also come to believe that what you are suffering for and how long you have been held captive by this suffering will also determine how long it will take for God to walk you out of it! That is exactly what the pastor was saying when he told me “Now walk in it.” My healing was instant, but the manifestation of healing in my life would come as I walked in the truth that God had promised. You are delivered! You are healed! Now live that spiritual reality in space and time. In other words, KEEP WALKING!!!  

     Suffering has it purposes, and it requires the right perspective to be able to endure it. I have come to understand from my own experience that suffering typically occurs when God is dealing with two things in us: pride and indifference. Our pride is what separates us from God. Pride is best described as a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s OWN achievements as well as consciousness of one’s OWN dignity. Pride is believing we can be something, do something and achieve something apart from God. But the truth is, as believers, we can’t be, do or achieve anything apart from God. Turns out, suffering is a tool God uses to close the gap between us and Him.  Let me explain.

     During my seven-year journey back home to the Garden I suffered in my soul (will/mind/emotions) tremendously. I’m not saying everyone’s journey will be like mine but in my case, God used suffering to break my will to become more like His.  Through suffering God also renewed my mind to think like Christ’s and healed my emotional wounds to mature spiritually. He used suffering in essence to restore my soul. That’s what King David talks about in Psalm 23 when he says “He, the Lord restores my soul”. God used suffering to restore and mature David’s soul so David could commune with Him properly, thus, allowing David to walk with God on a moment-by-moment basis. God also uses suffering to produce perseverance in the lives of his children. That’s why the Apostle Paul says in Romans, “…but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance.” Remember, the journey back home to the garden requires surrender to follow God’s lead, obedience so as not to get sidetracked, and perseverance to finish the journey back home strong.

     I suffered spiritually the first twenty-nine years of my life in darkness and separation from God. It was not until I met and received Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior in 1994 that the darkness and separation were lifted. It doesn’t matter how good you think you have it or how blessed you might feel. Life without God the Father, Jesus His Son and the Holy Spirit is empty and futile. We were never meant to be separated from God. That only came about as the result of Adam and Eve’s disobedience and their expulsion from the Garden which landed them in the Wasteland. Ever since, humanity has been on a quest to get back home to the Garden, our original paradise abode, our true home. Spiritual redemption, being saved from eternal death is our first step in the process. It requires surrender. The restoration of our soul is the second step. It requires obedience which comes from brokenness: the breaking of our will. The third step is the crucifixion of the flesh, or the suffering in our body, which again produces and requires perseverance.

     Ah, the crucifixion of the flesh. Not a phrase one hears or thinks about much. Why would you want to? On its surface it sounds awful. Why would anyone want to suffer physically? I know that was not my heart’s desire.  But interestingly, that is the path God had in store for me, at least for this particular stage of my life.  You see, my journey once I entered the Garden involved physical suffering to the point of feeling like I wasn’t going to make it.  The pain was so bad in fact that I recall several times asking God to spare me this experience and just take me to heaven.  It wasn’t that I was mad at God, at least on the surface.  I knew at that point that the pain was from our Enemy but that it was being allowed for a higher purpose. But in all honestly, it sometimes seemed like more than I could endure and so the ask. But interestingly, God’s answer was the same every time, “My grace is sufficient for you!”

     Believe it or not His answer in the midst of my suffering was actually very encouraging. It taught me that everything that happens in life is filtered through His love and what he knows is best for me. I could live with that assurance, at least in the moment. What’s the alternative?  I could keep asking God to take me out of this world as a way of relieving my suffering and maybe He would.   But at what cost? You see, there is a negative consequence associated with asking God to relieve your suffering through death. As strange and awful as it may sound, it could result in bringing a curse upon you and your family that is passed down for generations. At least it did in mine!

MY PERSONAL JOB EXPERIENCE

    It’s 2017, and I had just undergone the first of two surgeries to have my hip replaced and my gallbladder removed. Both operations, along with the regimen of follow-up procedures, rehabilitation, and medications, were traumatic to my body, to say the least. Ironically, this time period also ushered in my call to enter the Garden to pursue the restoration of my soul. In my mind I was hoping this spiritual pursuit would also alleviate all the physical ailments, as my soul would take over and heal my body. This, however, was not the case. As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite. Over time, my health worsened, and the medical interventions multiplied.

     As I mentioned earlier, things really took a turn for the worse the night before my book was launched when I got sick in the middle of the night with what doctors’ thought was prostatitis. So, from the fall of 2019 till the spring of 2023 I suffered physically in so many ways I truly concluded that I just might not make it out of this suffering alive. I had a total of five surgeries and went under anesthesia 11 times from all the surgeries, procedures, and tests. And to top it all off, I had what I would describe as three near death experiences which I will go into detail in a bit. I also had to bury my mom and my little brother during this period. It was by far the toughest stretch of my entire life. I felt like Job!

     Of all the physical struggles that I had to endure the most difficult was the loss of my appetite and weight. As I noted earlier, for whatever reason I was unable to eat as food had become repulsive to me. I ate so little that I lost a total of thirty pounds. I ate just enough to stay alive, but it was a struggle to even eat at all. I had zero appetite, coupled with the fact that just about everything I tried to eat tasted awful. No matter what the food was, it was repulsive to me. But what scared me the most was the actual loss of appetite and the isolation that comes with it.

     I believe that some of the harshest suffering that comes with the loss of appetite is the loss of one’s ability to break bread with others and the isolation it brings. I now see why someone who is put in solitary confinement could easily begin to lose their sanity. We need each other. As human beings we were never meant to be isolated, we were created for relationships. Stretching this example to its most extreme logical conclusion, that’s what I believe is the worst part of hell.  The complete and total isolation from God and others in eternity.

     But back to my story. Here is where I began to get a better understanding of what was happening to me. In March of 2020, just as the Covid-19 pandemic sent the world into a tailspin, I received what I believe to be one of the greatest gifts a believer can receive. Up until this point, for the first 25 years of my Christian life I have woken up at 6:00 a.m. just about every morning to spend ninety minutes with the Lord in what’s called my quite time. It’s how I want to start everyday as a believer in Christ. I don’t feel as if it is something I must do, I believe it is something I have been given the privilege to do! And it was on this one morning in March 2020 that I had an amazing encounter with the Trinity. For whatever reason the Lord showed me that He was in control and had this whole Covid thing covered and what I needed to do was relax and watch Him handle it.  That was an awesome revelation but on a more personal level God also showed me that I would be receiving what I would call the greatest promotion of my Christian life.

   That encounter went something like this. The Holy Spirit stood before me and said, “You have been faithful to meet us every morning to read the Bible for the past twenty-five years and now we are going to give you an upgrade. From now on, we will read you the Bible and teach you every word in it; this will take three years to complete.” Wow!!! Did you just hear that? And that is exactly what they did. I finished having the Bible read to me in March 2023. It was phenomenal! I went word for word with them, learning some of the most amazing truths of the Scriptures.

     One of the greatest lessons I wanted to share occurred when we reached the Book of Job in the summer of 2020. My eyes really started to open at that point. We had gotten to the part that talks about the various tests facing Job. I was literally blown away, you see, in Job’s “first test” he had to endure what many of us have probably had to endure at some point; the loss of things we hold dear but that are external to our bodies: family members, friendships, finances, and all the possessions we think we can’t live without. But it is Job’s “second test” that I found most intriguing given my current health situation at the time. You see the second test ‘Skin for Skin’ involves the Enemy looking for human prey to devour. Given that Job had passed the first test of suffering, God would again offer up His servant as a candidate to be tested even further. So, the Enemy challenges God once more regarding Job and presents his case, “Skin for Skin” Satan replied,” A man will give all he has to save his own life. But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.” That’s a huge test to have to take! How many of us after suffering the affliction of our physical body to the point of wanting to die would now also be willing to blame God for our plight!

     It was at that moment when they read Job Chapter two to me that I realized I was being sifted in my very own ‘skin for skin’ test. Knowing that my spirit was perfected in Christ when I became a believer, and now believing my soul was restored, was healing, and flourishing, the only thing left to complete the sanctification process was the sacrifice and destruction of my body. A verse from 1^st Thessalonians 5:23 immediately came to mind, “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  I could now sense that I was in that third stage of sanctification called the crucifixion of the flesh, that is, Job’s second test.

      It was when we reached Chapter thirty-three of Job that I fell out of my chair. Remember what I stated earlier about struggling with the loss of my appetite and weight. Well, when we got to verse 19, I couldn’t believe what I was reading;  “Or a man may be chastened to a bed of pain with constant distress in his bones, so that his very being finds food repulsive and his soul loathes the choicest meal. His flesh wastes away to nothing, and his bones once hidden, now stick out. His soul draws near to the pit, and his life to the messengers of death.” You have to be kidding me?!!! Could these verses have summed up any better what I was going through? I mean, word for word verbatim, my situation written down in scripture. It’s written in Job, the oldest book in the Bible, written thousands of years ago, describing my present situation in precise words. There was no doubt I was in my very own ‘skin for skin’ test. The questions now were, “Will I be able to endure? Can I hold onto my integrity? Will I live to talk about it?”

     Having to endure one’s own ‘skin for skin’ test, the crucifixion of one’s flesh, will be one of the most, if not the most challenging experiences of the Christian life. Especially when you are going through it, and you have no idea what is happening. Remember, in my case, the doctors had no idea what was happening to me and when I asked there was silence from God. But let’s be clear here, if we always knew why we were suffering our faith would have no room to grow. The greatest lesson that I have learned through my suffering is that it is better to know God than it is to know answers. Like I said before, suffering closes the gap between God and us and teaches us to walk more intimately with Him on a moment-by-moment basis.

     Knowing that I was going through my own personal ‘skin for skin’ test did not ease the pain and suffering, but it did give me the hope to endure. Hope is said to be the anchor of our soul. It’s what keeps us going through the suffering because we know God is in control and that He loves us. Endurance is needed to finish the race as the Apostle Paul would say. Or in Jesus’ own words, “But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” To answer my own question, “Will I be able to endure?” The answer would be I do not believe I have a choice! The stakes are too high in my opinion. To quit would be spiritual suicide. Because the only way we ever lose in this life is when we quit on God. You may see it differently and think there is an easy way out, but when in life have you ever seen that work out for anyone? Giving up is always followed by loss, always!

     Holding on to one’s integrity is integral to enduring this test as well. Once Job was afflicted and began suffering, his wife immediately went into condemnation mode. It may have come from her pain after suffering the loss of her children and possessions. So, she quickly chides Job and says, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!” In other words, ‘quit,’ give up on God, the suffering is not worth it. But Job responds in a way a truly righteous man would, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job held onto his integrity, which can best be defined as ‘the ability to meet the demands of reality.’

     The reality was Job was suffering because God allowed it to happen in order to test Job’s faith and purify it in a way that only suffering can. Job would not curse God, which is exactly what the Enemy wants us to do. It is his way to get back at God for throwing him out of heaven and sentencing him to eternity in hell for his rebellion. The Enemy knows he’s lost and is going down in the end.  The only question for him now is how many human beings created in the image of God is he going to take down with him?  But we were not created to live eternity in Hell. We were made for more. A lot more.

     The final question I pondered was, “Will I live to talk about it?” Again, the suffering can be so intense during this period of testing that one will even question being born, as did Job. In Chapter three of Job, he begins to question his birth and his existence. In verse three he says, “May the day of my birth perish…” and He follows that up in verse eleven by saying, “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” In other words, why couldn’t I be so lucky as to have been stillborn! During this ‘skin for skin’ test you will undoubtedly question why you are still alive, and even further, why you were even born. I did the same thing. I would often say to myself, “if this is life on earth, why even be here. If life is going to be all pain and suffering mixed in with isolation and silence, wouldn’t it be better if I was back home with the Lord and resting in peace?”

     These questions mount when you can begin to doubt the goodness of God and are not careful to keep your eyes on Him. Now here is a warning about making those kind of what I call, “statements of death”. Uttering such words as “I wish I were dead”, “What’s the use in living, I would be better off dead”, “If this is life, then just bring me back home Lord so my suffering will end and I will be at rest with you” Any time someone, especially believers, utter such phrases before God, they immediately invite a messenger of death into their life. It won’t take many invitations; the messenger will jump on the first one and be more than happy to comply with the request. You can read Job and see how well it worked out for him. It made things worse for Job as it will make things worse for all who invite death into their life. I know firsthand, as it made things worse for me.

THE CURSE

     In January 2023, after four years of physical suffering that brought me to the brink of death, I thought I had finally made the turn and was heading in the right direction. I was finally feeling better and began to go out and eat with others. One Wednesday night I went to dinner with a few good friends and had what was a perfectly good meal. The next day I started to feel a little funny again and started experiencing some abdominal discomfort. I was hoping it would be a short episode and I could get back to my newfound health as soon as possible. I had been there so many times before where I declared myself healed and making the turn towards health and restoration, only to fall to some kind of physical setback that would land me at the doctor’s office or under anesthesia prepping for another surgery.

     The following day, I woke up and my abdomen was so bloated I thought I would explode. All throughout the day it got worse and became so painful and uncomfortable that it became pretty much unbearable. So, the next day I went to urgent care and heard the doctor’s diagnosis, “I don’t know what this is!”  My personal doctor thought it must have been something I ate so I went on over the counter medications to reduce the bloating. Nope! It got worse every day for the next six days. I was so distended I could no longer move. The pain was so unbearable that I spent every night crying out to God, begging Him to have mercy on me, or if necessary, just take me back home.

     I finally made a call to my doctor, and he told me to meet him at his office the next morning. When I arrived at 7:00 a.m. I was immediately sent in for x-rays of my stomach. When my doctor walked in the room with the results the look on his face said it all. “This is not good!” I am sending you to the ER and they are going to do a cat-scan. They wheeled me out and I was in the ER in no time. I wasn’t there long before I got my scan.  Within thirty minutes several surgeons came busting through the door and said, “We are admitting you to the hospital immediately, and unfortunately, you’re going to need surgery”.  I thought, “Here we go again”!

     About an hour later, I was laying on a hospital bed thinking there’s something going on here. Something’s not right. There’s more to this than I know right now. I say this because the day I became distended, I also had a dream from God that night. I remember in my dream there was this demon type dude coming after me, I somehow recognized him as a messenger of death. He kept putting his hands on my shoulders and wanting to drag me down to the pit of hell. I fought him off for quite a while and eventually got free.

     It was then that God told me in my dream that I wasn’t going to have surgery and I wasn’t going to die, but I would suffer for 10 days. I was also assured there was a purpose to it all. It took every bit of strength mentally and emotionally to fight the surgeons from convincing me that I needed to have surgery. They were ‘somewhat’ sure I had a blockage in my intestines, but really couldn’t tell until they got inside me. I wasn’t buying that at all. We then came to an agreement to put me on a 2-day liquid fast, and if after that there was no progress, I would have the surgery to correct the blockage.

     But the very next day whatever was causing the blockage let loose and for the next 36 hours I was completely emptied of all that was in me. Free at last! I will never forget the look on the surgeon’s face and the words he spoke when he came to see me and tell me I made it through and would be discharged the next day. With a look of perplexity, he said that was the worst abdominal CT scan that he or any of the other surgeons had ever seen, and for which they did not operate.

     I could see it in his eyes, he was thinking WTH? This makes no sense!  To say he, and his colleagues, were dumbfounded would be an understatement – but they were. To also say, that my healing was a miracle from God would be an understatement – but it was! Ten days after I became distended and had my dream of assurance from God, I walked out of the hospital physically and emotionally spent. It was only the beginning of what would be exposed in and through me in the next few months.

     Over the next several months I would try and recover physically and emotionally from that ordeal. It was a rough road because I would have minor setbacks with my abdomen that would keep me down for a couple of days at a time. I just thought my insides got worked over so bad that it would be a while before everything calmed down and healed. But come to find out it was God trying to get my attention about a matter He was dealing with me over these past four years of suffering. I was about to discover the purpose of my suffering.

     So, one Saturday morning in April, I was about to go to the gym and decided to take communion before I went. Something in my spirit urged me to do so and I’m glad I did. Because just as I sat down and was about to partake, I heard footsteps.  It sounded like a heavy-footed man coming into my room and He meant business! I remember thinking, “Is that you God?” And I heard, “Yes, it is, and we are going to have a talk!” I was stunned because I couldn’t imagine what this was about or why it was happening. So, God and I began a conversation that went something like this. “Enough is enough, no more death threats. If you ask me to take your life one more time I will. This ends today. Open your Bible right now and turn to Deuteronomy chapter 30 and begin reading in verse 19”. So, I did immediately and here is what it said, “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life, and He will give you many years in the land He swore to give your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”  There it was, “NOW CHOOSE LIFE!”

     My knees buckled as I fell to the floor in awe of what I had just read. God began to explain to me that my asking Him to take my life was unacceptable. That His grace in all things was sufficient and that I needed to trust that He had my best interest at heart no matter what I was going through.

     God hates when a child of His asks for death. That’s why He said, “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated” Why did God love Jacob? It was because Jacob appreciated everything God had to offer, and he did whatever it took to get it! Jacob was grateful! And why did God hate Esau? It was because he sold his God given birthright for a bowl of stew when he was so hungry, he thought he was going to die. Esau was indifferent!  God loves gratefulness but hates indifference! I too, every time I asked God to take my life was being indifferent about life, my life, the one Jesus gave His life for at the cross. That would end this day, my instruction was clear, from this moment forward I was to ‘Choose life’ no matter what I was going through.

     There was also a deeper reason for my ordeal, which I began to understand as I read Deuteronomy 30, I realized that with choosing life comes blessings, but also with choosing death comes curses! This day would be the beginning of my deliverance from what I would define as my curse, a generational curse that has affected the men of my family for generations, a curse passed down to me from my ancestors. God only knows how far back it started, but it was about to end.

     So, I began to choose life with every breath I took over the next couple of weeks. At that point, however, I was completely unaware that I was under a family curse. But one Wednesday afternoon in May all that changed. I was leaving my office and heading home when I was once again stopped in my tracks. As I was about to shut my computer down, a YouTube video recommendation popped up on my screen entitled, “How to pass from Curse to Blessing” by Derek Prince. Are you kidding me? Something told me to go home and watch that video and that’s exactly what I did. In the video Derek Prince would reveal the eight characteristics of someone living under a curse. Upon reflection I had almost all eight and immediately knew that I was dealing with a curse my whole life.

     When the video ended there was an invitation for a prayer of deliverance. I’m sure I was one of the first to raise my hand.  So, I stood up in my living room and prayed the prayer of deliverance. At that moment I believed I was delivered from my family curse. Mr. Prince then said that we should ask God to specifically show us where the curse originated and that He would surely tell us.  I was all in for that and so I asked God and he answered.   

     Around 3:00 a.m. that very night I was awakened by what I felt was someone lying down next to me in bed. It was an incredibly peaceful feeling and I immediately thought to myself, “It’s the Holy Spirit!” And it was. I couldn’t believe what was happening.  It seemed surreal. I could feel Him put His hand on my shoulder and say to me, “We are going to show you what the curse is and the purpose of your suffering.” Again, almost unable to believe what was happening, the Holy Spirit asks me the question, “Do you remember what your mother said to your father at the funeral when he was laying in the casket?” My eyes popped wide open in disbelief because I can remember those words as clearly now as when they were spoken thirty-five years ago. It was just my mother and I in the room talking to my dad as he lay in the casket. I remember her putting her hand on his shoulder and uttering the words, “Why did you give up, Dario?” (My Dad’s name is also Dario). I always wondered what she really meant by that.

     Now it was about to become clear. I was looking at the Holy Spirit like “How do you know about that? It was just my mom and I in the room” Well of course, He is God and is always with us wherever we go! But I was still in awe. Then the Holy Spirit asked me a second question, “Do you remember what your dad would often say when he was under duress?” I sure do, I responded! He would often walk around the house uttering phrases like, “I’ll be dead soon, you’ll see!” “It would be better if were dead, and you all are going to miss me when I’m gone” “There’s no reason for me to live anymore!” and on and on it would go.

     Then the Holy Spirit said, “Let me ask you another question, “Do you remember what your younger brother did?” I sure do! He would often threaten suicide on Facebook. He would say things like “I have often thought it would just be better if I go home and be with my dad!” It was his way of threatening to commit the act. He did this several times which would infuriate me and my sister – how could he go public with such a thought!

     My dad passed away at 64 and I just recently buried my little brother at the age of 55. That’s what the Holy Spirit was showing me. They both received their wish. They, being under a curse, invited the messenger of death to come and fulfill their wishes. It is a horrible thing the Enemy uses to destroy the lives and families of many. It was starting to make sense to me now. My family was under a curse and that included me. But this revelation was only the beginning.

     A few hours later I awoke to have my quiet time with the Lord. Let’s just say that I was still feeling a sense of awe from what had just happened.  There was so much to take in. The previous night I was instructed to view a video entitled “Moving from Curse to Blessing.” I did and was delivered from a generational curse that killed my dad and brother.   And now this happens.  I open the Bible to read from the book of Numbers, Chapters 4 through 6. As I begin reading my mind is still focused on the family curse and my deliverance from it. But when I get to Chapter five, I am simply blown away. I’m knocked right out of my chair and end up laying prostrate on the floor.

     But before I share with you what I read we need to unpack what happened earlier in the year when I was hospitalized with intestinal blockage. Here’s the other side of the story. During my 4-year health struggle I would often look in the mirror in total amazement at my body or lack thereof. I had lost thirty pounds and for some reason it affected my hips, thighs, and abdomen more than any other part of my body. I lost a total of 4 inches in my thighs and hips and suffered unbearable abdominal pain and discomfort. It just seemed as if my abdomen was the focal point of my problems but the doctors, no matter what they searched for and no matter what procedure they performed, could not come up with a diagnosis. Every one of my tests came back normal, yet I was suffering horrific pain. I would often think to myself, “Why my hips and thighs? What’s up with that?” I mean no matter what I did to gain weight or build up my thighs, nothing worked. I looked anemic and my abdomen was a mess, Go figure! Well, ‘go figure’ was about to take place as God was about to let me see and finally figure out what was happening to my body the past 4 years.

     So, I’m reading through Chapter five of the book of Numbers and the clouds bust wide open! Here is what I read that sent me to the floor. It’s a section where a priest is talking about the curse that will enter a wife that is unfaithful. In other words, he is describing what a curse looks like when it manifests in someone physically. Starting in verse 21, the priest is directing his words to the woman and says – “may the Lord cause your people to curse and denounce you when he causes your thigh to waste away and your abdomen to swell. May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells and your thigh wastes away” What!!!!!!! Are you kidding me!!!!!!! Yikes, it’s a bit harsh but can you believe what that scripture just said? Again, it reiterates the manifestation of the curse in verse 27, “… then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her and cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away, and she will become accursed among her people.”  There it is again, abdomen swells and thighs waste away with bitter suffering. Let me tell you from firsthand experience, the pain that a curse will cause in one’s abdomen is excruciating!!! It can and will cause even the toughest among us to seek relief through death.

     So, this is how Scripture revealed to me that my hospital stay back in February was about the physical manifestation of a family curse that I was under.  As I mentioned earlier there was no blockage in my intestines like the doctors thought. It’s why they really couldn’t see it on the CAT scan – it didn’t exist.  If you remember, God already promised me that I would not need surgery, or would die from this ordeal, only that I would suffer for ten days. I’m here to tell you that this prophetic dream came true.

     So, what next?  I’m glad you asked!

MOVING FROM CURSE TO BLESSING

     If I’m going to be completely honest, all my life I’ve been saying to myself, “what’s wrong?” I wrote about this deep-seated feeling in my book. From my earliest memories I have sensed that something was not right. I would look out into the world and think that what I was seeing outside   never matched up to what I was feeling inside. I just felt like whatever I desired or worked for or hoped for and even prayed for, would always get sabotaged. Life was a never-ending stream of disappointments that left a trail of loss in my life. Sadly, this was prominently true in the first twenty-nine years of my life before I became a believer in Jesus Christ.

     The last twenty-nine years as a believer have been amazing and excruciating at the same time. I have experienced God deliver me, restore me, discipline me, and mature me beyond recognition, but the tests and trials to accomplish these things was surely not for the faint of heart. To be even more precise, I have always had more of a death mentality than a life mentality. My expectations leaned towards something not working out, rather than going well. I lived with a constant expectation of loss. So did my family, or at least my mom. Every time I would hear myself or someone else share what was considered good news, I would hear the same phrase repeated back, “Sounds good or looks good now, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow!” I believe that’s why my mom sought the occult and would have psychic reading parties in our home. She would invite a psychic and a few friends over and they would have their fortunes read. My mom’s fear of loss provoked her to want to know her future in hopes that the fortune teller (psychic) would give her some good news to alleviate the anxiety of living with the fear of tomorrow and its impending loss. I grew up that way and lived that way most of my life, and I had enough.

     Having a father asking to be taken out of this world, hence inviting a messenger of death into our family, coupled with my mom’s involvement with the occult and seeking its help to relieve the anxiety that comes with a mindset of hopelessness didn’t do much for my optimism. In fact, as surely as two plus two equals four, these two acts of disobedience equaled a generational curse upon me and my siblings. Specifically, this curse manifested in several ways. For example, I endured repeated and chronic sickness for many years. I also experienced many broken relationships which, to date, have robbed me of the blessing of a successful marriage and family life. In addition, my immediate family members have experienced unnatural and early deaths. Sadly, all the men in my family have died prematurely, or should I say too young. I am the only one left. Here’s the bottom line, if you are under a curse, it seems as if ‘nothing’ ever really works in your life! It’s time to move from the curse to the blessing!

     After fifty-eight years of struggling under a curse, I had the privilege of being chosen by God to be the one that would break its power over me and my family. I believe it is why I suffered so much. The curse was ending with me, but because it had such a long hold over my family, the Enemy was hell bent on hanging on. In fact, he will do everything in his power to hold onto the people and territory that he has stolen, especially those who belong to his kingdom.  

     But now that the curse has been broken and I am free to choose life every day going forward, I expect to reap the benefits of the blessings that come with choosing life. These benefits are summed up in Psalm 103 verses 1-5, which reads, “Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his Holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”     

THE BLESSING

     What does it look like when one moves away from living under a curse and enters the blessing that comes with choosing life?  Personally speaking, the curse will manifest itself in feelings    such as humiliation and embarrassment. It will press you to feel as if you are in a lower position than everyone else in life. In short it will make you feel like a failure. I know it did me. I was a failure in life, unable to maintain or commit to relationships, unable to continue the family line, sickly, always in want, unappreciative of all the good things in my life, surrounded by chaos and despair externally and internally, depressed, oppressed, always walking uphill with the wind at my face!  Ok already. You get the picture. Not surprisingly God’s word talks about the characteristics of living under a curse – check out Deuteronomy Chapter 28. It’s funny that the world will say that what you’re feeling is normal.  It’s just life right, that’s the world we live in.  No! That’s not right! That’s not life it’s death! It’s what we get when we choose death, when we believe the lies of the Enemy and allow them to fester in our body and soul.  There is a better way and that is to choose life, and with that choice comes the blessing!

     In Deuteronomy chapter 30, God makes it very clear that the choosing of death is coupled with experiencing curses in one’s life, just as choosing life is coupled with experiencing the blessings of life. They go hand in hand and cannot be separated. We just mentioned the characteristics of a life under a curse. Now it’s time to see what characteristics the blessing of God can produce. The blessing of God is experienced with exaltation, a sense of being lifted above the circumstances of life. This does not mean there won’t be any tests, trials, or suffering, it means you will go through them with a hope that is real in your soul, and it will be seen in your countenance.  Your facial expressions will say it all, “It is well with my soul.” You will be in health, the chronic and unexplainable sicknesses that you suffered under a curse will not torture you anymore, and you will enjoy an abundant life.  You will see your family grow instead of shrinking. Healthy marriages will prevail over divorce and broken relationships. Prosperity, in all its aspects, will be yours. You will see yourself thriving and being successful in all you do. You will have victory over the attacks of the Enemy. You will no longer be fighting for victory, but from victory. And most of all you will experience God’s favor, His approval and support in every area of life.

     These blessings are also described in detail in Deuteronomy Chapter 28, but even more so in Psalm 103 verses 1-5.  Again, they read as follows, “Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his Holy name. Praise the Lord O my soul and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s” These are the benefits, the blessings that come with choosing life. Forgiveness of sins, our salvation from eternal separation from God. The healing from pain and suffering and all of our afflictions. Redemption from the pit, saving us from an early, unnatural, and ultimately eternal death. Satisfying our desires with good things, not calamity and disappointment. And having our youth restored, just like Job, God will restore your body back to its youthful state.

     This is what we can look forward to when we choose life. God doubles down on these benefits in Psalm 128 which is known as the marriage prayer, “blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in His ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord. May the Lord bless you from Zion all the days of your life; may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem, and may you live to see your children’s children.” These are God’s promises to those who choose life, and God keeps His promises just as it is stated in 2^nd Corinthians 1:20, “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.”

     It is hard right now for me to express what I am feeling inside. I don’t know if I will be able to put it down in words. What does one say after 58 years of enduring a curse? How do you express the freedom you are experiencing to a world that most likely won’t understand or even care. As I write I feel as if I am seven feet off the ground instead of three feet below. I feel like I am walking on air and breathing easier, while I used to feel as if I was treading through the mud up to my waste while struggling to breathe. I guess you could say I feel like a prisoner who has just been released from jail after serving 58 years for a crime he did not commit. And the last 4 years I served my time on death row as I was being sifted out through my ‘skin for skin’ test. I was drawn to the pit of hell three times, having what I would call three near death experiences, only to be rescued by an angel.

     I am now beginning to realize the benefits of the blessing as my health has already started to improve and I am beginning to gain a little weight as my appetite slowly starts to increase. This is giving me a sense of youthfulness I hadn’t experienced for a long time. For the last few decades, I have felt like my body was breaking down and life was going to be a slow fade to the end. Now I feel a reinvigoration, like my body is coming back to life, regaining its strength all over again. Some of my desires that I had given up on are being filled with hope again. I now picture my future expanding instead of shrinking. I see myself living to be 120 years old like Moses, who died at that age while “yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone”. That is the Biblical way of saying he died at 120 years old while he was still good looking and strong! Moses lived the full blessing even though he never made it to the Promised Land. But of all the benefits of the blessing mentioned in Psalm 103, the one that has affected me the most at this moment comes from verse 4 that says, “-redeems your life from the pit- “. So, let’s take a look at it!

MY REDEMPTION FROM THE PIT

     When someone is living under a curse, no matter how well life is going, and no matter how much hope you have, it will always work out, the truth is that it never seems too. Like Derek Prince says,” When you are under a curse, it seems as if ‘nothing’ ever really works in your life!” That is hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced the effects of a curse. But let’s be honest, how much of the world even knows about curses, or would even believe you if told them about such things. The vast majority of the world is unaware of the battle between death and life, curses and blessings. The world has programmed people to believe, “That’s just the way it is! S*** Happens! Get used to it!

     Yes, we live in a fallen world with all the consequences that such a state brings, but we also have a choice. We can accept how things are in this world and the death that will eventually come, or we can choose life. A choice that can reverse the ill effects of any curse. And yes, there is no doubt that the whole world is under a curse. It was cursed the moment Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God said to Adam, “Cursed is the ground because of you…” God then kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden, their true home and banished them into the world, a world that is cursed to this day. That was the whole purpose of my book ‘The Bridge.’ It’s the story of my seven-year journey back home to the garden, our original home where the ground is not cursed. Unfortunately, we can only live in the garden in our soul here on earth. Our physical bodies will be redeemed when we are back home with God in heaven. But making it back home to the garden and choosing life can help us thrive in this fallen world as our spirit, soul, and bodies flow together in rhythm with God.

     So, after finally making it back home to the garden in November of 2017, I believe my life immediately went into redemption mode. It has been seven years altogether, with a four-year span in which I had to endure the ‘skin for skin’ test and suffer the effects of all my illnesses. But I have come to realize that God has been working to redeem me from a generational curse and the cursed ground below our feet. He was moving me away from the curse toward the blessings. One in particular has stuck with me, that being the one where He has ‘redeemed me from the pit.’

    Throughout the Bible, God talks about how He has, is and will continue to redeem us from our lowly state and raise us up to glory.  So, I began to ponder what this truly means. Specifically, what does it mean to be ‘redeemed from the pit? For that matter, what is the pit?” I reflected on these questions every time I came across mentions of redemption in the Bible. But I decided to go deeper and do a search for scriptural references related to this phrase.

     That’s when my eyes began to open up to a deeper understanding of what it meant to be redeemed from the pit. The search revealed verses that spoke of things such as, “brought me up from the realm of the dead”, “free your prisoners from the waterless pit”, “you kept me from the pit of destruction”, “deliver you from death”, “deliver me from the hand of the enemy”, “redeem me from human oppression”, “save you from the hands of the wicked” and many more. So, what does that all add up to; redemption is the action of being saved from sin, error, or evil and the action of regaining possession of something in exchange for payment. Being redeemed from the pit is God saving us from hell, evil and death, and taking back our home, the Garden, and all the life that is to be lived in it. It’s the great exchange and the payment for that exchange is the shed blood of Jesus Christ on the cross!

     Wow! Now it makes sense. As I look back on the last fourteen years of my life, I can see with a great deal more clarity as to why I suffered what I suffered, the purpose behind the suffering and the benefits to come as a result of enduring the suffering. I was truly being redeemed from the pit; I was being saved from hell! As scary as it was to endure those three near death experiences, they had a purpose. I was able to see the pit, its heat, the darkness (a darkness that could be felt; Exodus 10:21). He was gracious to show me exactly what I was being saved from. It is a torturous and painful journey to be taken to the edge of the pit. But being able to see it with my eyes made ‘redemption from the pit’ a reality in my life. It is no longer a verse or theme in the Bible.  It is real to me! Job, who went through the same experience said it best, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” I am saved! I have been redeemed from the pit!

MOVING FORWARD

     The first six months of 2023 have been nothing short of an amazing, mind-blowing awareness to the Love and Grace of God. In just a few short months my life almost, kind of, makes a little bit more sense now. I mean, I have been set free from a curse, redeemed from the pit of hell, and am experiencing healing all throughout my spirit, soul, and body. I have a sense of joy and appreciation, a sense of value and worth, and an undeniable belief that God absolutely loves and adores me. I never truly realized just how much God cares and loves me until I went through this entire journey. I look at it as a 58-year love story planned by God before I was born. He chose me from out of eternity to redeem me for His very own. But not only to be chosen to take this journey but also given the eyes to see it with such clarity. I want to keep this perspective moving forward and that comes from me choosing life with every breath and in every moment of life.

     I want to know what ‘life’ looks and feels like as I go forward, I’ve seen and tasted death way too much for someone my age. I need to be careful not to fall back into a state of death and destruction. I also must fight the feelings of regret that the Enemy now tries to entice me with. He tries to smear me with lies like, “It’s too late for restoration, I’ve already destroyed all your hopes and dreams!” If I’m not careful I can get caught up in a pity party. I don’t want to dwell on those things in my life that didn’t work out, or what never came about, or even what could have been. That is easy to do if we’re not careful to choose life every moment of the day.    

     So now as I stop and truly ponder the first 58 years of my life, instead of seeing regret and loss I see grace and redemption. I could just as easily have died anytime during the 58 years I’ve walked the earth, but instead was saved by grace over and over again. Did I suffer tremendous loss and an abundance of death in the first half of my life? Yes, but remember I’m going to live to be 120 just like Moses and experience the totality of God’s blessings. So, this is how I see it. I am 58 years old. I spent the first 29 years of my life in darkness separated from God as an unbeliever. I pursued all the wrong things and did it the world’s way. It was brutal and unsatisfying to say the least. But then I heard a knock on the door of my heart and answered it. It was Jesus, and so I invited Him in. During the next 29 years,  He has been cleaning out the bad and replacing it with the good! He’s been walking with me side by side and leading me back home, away from the world and towards the Garden where I was meant to live.

     For 29 years I ran away from God and for the last 29 years I have run towards God. So, what does that tell me? It tells me to refer to an amazing verse in the book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 29, verse 29 (not a coincidence), “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we follow all the words of this law.” There it is, there are secret things that simply belong to God, and we just won’t see, realize, or experience them here on earth. But what He does reveal to us is ours to keep and enjoy. In His son Jesus Christ, He has revealed to us life! I get to choose Him and that life every day. And with that choice comes blessings! I do not know what all this may look like over time, but as I walk with God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit moment by moment choosing life, I am promised one thing (Deuteronomy 28:2), “All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God.” If I stay true to God’s word, the Bible, obey what I am instructed to do, and choose life, the blessings will pursue me!!! We, I, will no longer have to look for them, pursue them, or try to manipulate circumstances to manufacture them, we only have to receive them!

     This is my redemption story, are you ready to write yours? Redemption is found when you choose Jesus. Choosing Jesus is choosing life and blessings. It’s not about what you do or how well you perform, it’s about receiving what Jesus has already accomplished on your behalf.  Are you ready to “choose life now” and receive all that God so desperately wants to give?”  The time is now to receive your inheritance. So, move forward with confidence that God loves you, is for you and has good things in store for you. Say no to death, and “CHOOSE LIFE NOW’

     Hope to see you all in the Garden! Dario L. Perla